The tough stuff...

Where to start?

Last week was a nightmare. I can't even begin to describe the amount of anxiety, inadequacy, and general lack on knowledge that I felt all week long. There's too much to do, and not enough time. Too many people to deal with... How do I address this issue? What do I say to the parents? Where do I start with the kids? How do I navigate this problem? Do I just dip in a little bit at a time or dive in to the deep stuff? If I dive in, how do I get to the heart of the issue? What is the heart of the issue? In the last several months, I have often wondered what in the world I have gotten myself into. Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to stay in or even if I should?

There was this song we used to sing when I was in high school. It goes something like this, "He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but He said help would always come in time. Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says give in; just hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again." I feel like I'm standing in that valley...all by myself. Where can I go from here? There's nothing to go to right now. There is this great cry within me to walk away...I can't handle this. All I want is peace...to be free. I want to be able to breathe again. To sleep without the torment. To not wake up in tears. I don't want an ulcer!

Pastor talked about living a life of Thanksgiving...of being Thankful in all circumstances. It's a choice I have to make. Because He didn't promise that this would be easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Someone once said that which doesn't break you only makes you stronger...or something like that. I'm broken every day, and yet I continue on. I hope I'm becoming stronger, because right now I'm so weak. I pray for peace, for strength, for wisdom. My friends pray for me. So many people storming the gates. And He's here...He has to be. And it's my choice...to be Thankful. Even with tears running down my face...with a knot in the pit of my stomach...the dread of the coming days...

I choose to be Thankful.

I choose to be content in my circumstance. To rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

No matter what tomorrow brings...

i am not