I've Been Wrong...

So I had this thought sitting in Church yesterday listening to Pastor preach about the pursuit of happiness...I have been so incredibly wrong. My thoughts, my motivations, my actions...I've been wrong. The cognitive therapist in me wants to dig into that (and trust me I have) simply to unpack those core beliefs and dysfunctional thought processes that have led to this epiphany. And then...to discuss how this impacts my present thoughts, actions, and feelings. It's like a domino effect.

I was walking on Saturday evening listening to a podcast of Mosaic in LA. Erwin was speaking on the beatitudes, particularly the one where Jesus says that the pure in heart will see God. To be honest, right now I don't remember a lot of what he said, which is unusual because Erwin's messages tend to sink in and I process them for days. I do remember one line from the talk though. "Jesus doesn't want to make you better; He wants to make you different." And then yesterday in Church it hit me while Pastor Dave was preaching on how we pursue happiness when really we need to pursue God, who will create in us so much more than happiness. I've been wrong. They are right. Jesus wants to make me different. He wants to create something in me that doesn't just make me better or happy but produces something that will actually last. Yet at the same time, He's not about the business of making me miserable or trying to keep me that way.

Since my last post, the hurricane that's been my life hasn't weakened. In fact, if anything the winds near the eye wall are so much stronger. Last week was insane...even more so than normal. I've got kids MELTING DOWN on an hourly basis. I've got parents who are mad that their kids aren't making progress. I don't blame them. They just want a normal, healthy kid. I can't fix everything that wrong; in fact, I CAN'T FIX ANYTHING. Yet in all of this, there's peace. It doesn't make sense. Even when I wanted to call my boss and quit, I didn't want to call my boss and quit- which really doesn't make sense. I am different for having this experience... not just better and certainly not happy. I'm different. I see the world through different eyes. Maybe that's been the point. It's hard. And I'm okay. There's only ONE who could make that happen. There is Peace...when you're in the I AM.

i am not

So I was going to add more pictures from my trip to Seattle. That obviously didn't happen. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this blogging thing. My life is not really all that interesting anyway.

It's been eleven months since I started this job. There are many days that I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next five minutes. I never expected it to be so...hard. I had all these visions for how I thought my life would unfold. There has been nothing that went as I thought...except maybe graduating from college and earning my masters. Boy, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I can remember sitting at Starbucks one January during grad school. I was just about ready to diagnose myself clinically depressed, even though I couldn't technically diagnose anything at the time. In so many ways I was miserable. My faith was beaten down...I remember envisioning pictures of the destruction after a storm like a hurricane or tornado has passed through a town. I felt pretty battered. Somewhere on my computer is the letter I wrote to God on that cold evening. And then He reminded me of the story He told of the wise man and the foolish man- how the wise man built his house on the rock and when the winds and rain came the house stood. I was that person...I realized that the foundation was still there, the structure was still there, but my house needed some major renovations and I couldn't do them myself. I remember thinking that before Jesus started his ministry at the age of 30 that he was a carpenter. Who better than to renovate a beaten down house than a master carpenter?

Now, my carpenter keeps everything in top order- as long as I let Him have complete go of the place. But the thing is, for the last year or so the storm has been pretty constant, and the winds have gotten a lot stronger lately. Work is tough- the rain and winds there never let up. Life is...well...I don't really feel like I have a life outside of that place. And the loneliness has set in...just more wind and rain.

I sat in church this morning in tears as Pastor talked about how powerful the prayers are of those in right standing with God. He reminded us that we don't have to carry all the baggage of life around with us. We can set it at the foot of the cross, and let the one whose yolk is easy, bear the burden for us. Even now as the tears can't seem to be kept at bay, I am reminded that even though the winds are fierce, Jesus is the Master of the winds. I so would have been the disciple that woke Him when he was sleeping in the front of the boat. The forecast seems to be pretty gloomy. More wind and rain. But they say the winds are the most fierce the closer you get to the eye of the storm where there is peace. Jesus promised His peace...maybe all this wind and rain just mean that I'm getting pretty close to Jesus.

i am not