I've Been Wrong...

So I had this thought sitting in Church yesterday listening to Pastor preach about the pursuit of happiness...I have been so incredibly wrong. My thoughts, my motivations, my actions...I've been wrong. The cognitive therapist in me wants to dig into that (and trust me I have) simply to unpack those core beliefs and dysfunctional thought processes that have led to this epiphany. And then...to discuss how this impacts my present thoughts, actions, and feelings. It's like a domino effect.

I was walking on Saturday evening listening to a podcast of Mosaic in LA. Erwin was speaking on the beatitudes, particularly the one where Jesus says that the pure in heart will see God. To be honest, right now I don't remember a lot of what he said, which is unusual because Erwin's messages tend to sink in and I process them for days. I do remember one line from the talk though. "Jesus doesn't want to make you better; He wants to make you different." And then yesterday in Church it hit me while Pastor Dave was preaching on how we pursue happiness when really we need to pursue God, who will create in us so much more than happiness. I've been wrong. They are right. Jesus wants to make me different. He wants to create something in me that doesn't just make me better or happy but produces something that will actually last. Yet at the same time, He's not about the business of making me miserable or trying to keep me that way.

Since my last post, the hurricane that's been my life hasn't weakened. In fact, if anything the winds near the eye wall are so much stronger. Last week was insane...even more so than normal. I've got kids MELTING DOWN on an hourly basis. I've got parents who are mad that their kids aren't making progress. I don't blame them. They just want a normal, healthy kid. I can't fix everything that wrong; in fact, I CAN'T FIX ANYTHING. Yet in all of this, there's peace. It doesn't make sense. Even when I wanted to call my boss and quit, I didn't want to call my boss and quit- which really doesn't make sense. I am different for having this experience... not just better and certainly not happy. I'm different. I see the world through different eyes. Maybe that's been the point. It's hard. And I'm okay. There's only ONE who could make that happen. There is Peace...when you're in the I AM.

i am not

So I was going to add more pictures from my trip to Seattle. That obviously didn't happen. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this blogging thing. My life is not really all that interesting anyway.

It's been eleven months since I started this job. There are many days that I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next five minutes. I never expected it to be so...hard. I had all these visions for how I thought my life would unfold. There has been nothing that went as I thought...except maybe graduating from college and earning my masters. Boy, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I can remember sitting at Starbucks one January during grad school. I was just about ready to diagnose myself clinically depressed, even though I couldn't technically diagnose anything at the time. In so many ways I was miserable. My faith was beaten down...I remember envisioning pictures of the destruction after a storm like a hurricane or tornado has passed through a town. I felt pretty battered. Somewhere on my computer is the letter I wrote to God on that cold evening. And then He reminded me of the story He told of the wise man and the foolish man- how the wise man built his house on the rock and when the winds and rain came the house stood. I was that person...I realized that the foundation was still there, the structure was still there, but my house needed some major renovations and I couldn't do them myself. I remember thinking that before Jesus started his ministry at the age of 30 that he was a carpenter. Who better than to renovate a beaten down house than a master carpenter?

Now, my carpenter keeps everything in top order- as long as I let Him have complete go of the place. But the thing is, for the last year or so the storm has been pretty constant, and the winds have gotten a lot stronger lately. Work is tough- the rain and winds there never let up. Life is...well...I don't really feel like I have a life outside of that place. And the loneliness has set in...just more wind and rain.

I sat in church this morning in tears as Pastor talked about how powerful the prayers are of those in right standing with God. He reminded us that we don't have to carry all the baggage of life around with us. We can set it at the foot of the cross, and let the one whose yolk is easy, bear the burden for us. Even now as the tears can't seem to be kept at bay, I am reminded that even though the winds are fierce, Jesus is the Master of the winds. I so would have been the disciple that woke Him when he was sleeping in the front of the boat. The forecast seems to be pretty gloomy. More wind and rain. But they say the winds are the most fierce the closer you get to the eye of the storm where there is peace. Jesus promised His peace...maybe all this wind and rain just mean that I'm getting pretty close to Jesus.

i am not

So...it's been awhile...

(there is more where this pic came from, i promise...just not today)

So...

It's been awhile. I know that I haven't posted in...forever. There is a reason, but it's not a very good one. Although, the only stories I've had to tell are about work, and quite frankly, I'm sick to death of work. BUT IT'S THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT I DO. So that's why I haven't posted in forever. For the record, here is a breakdown of my year...

January: Work, work, and more work. OH and KU basketball. It was a pretty good month on the basketball front. Work was crazy and I finally moved into my very own office (at work of course).

February: Again...work. This will be a theme. Just want you to know. Nothing exciting in February except that my Jayhawks continued to play very well and wrapped up the Conference Title for the FIFTH year in a row. It was awesome!


March: Work…and basketball. My Hawks ruined my favorite weekend: Conference Tournament Weekend. I took a rare day off to watch basketball...AND my Jayhawks promptly lost their first game. It completely ruined the day for me, so I went to work. It's probably a good thing I did. One of my kids was having a rough day and I was able to work with him/her and help them to calm down. After all was well again, he/she, who is also a KU fan said that they weren't glad the Jayhawks lost and made me have a bad day, but they were glad because I came to work and they needed me. Ah...that kid was successfully discharged home by the end of that month. March Madness began and it was a pretty good time.

April: Work...but no more basketball. And the team that won it all was the WRONG one.

May: Someday maybe I'll be able to say that I LOVE my job. Yeah...that's not going to happen anytime soon. More work...but I really started to take some of my life back. I finally made it back to small group (although I'm pretty sure this happened BEFORE May). It's been an amazing time with new friends. I love my small group and miss them when I can't make it.

So that brings us to June...we're only half-way in and on Monday I marked my ninth month at my current job. I celebrated by taking a mini-vacation and heading to the upper left coast. My gift to myself that day was an iced mocha from a nice little coffee shop in downtown Kirkland, WA and a relaxing hour spent on the lake shore. It was a great day. Speaking of my mini-vacation...there will be more pictures. I promise.


Oh, and Kara...thanks again for letting me crash at your place. It was very needed and much appreciated.

Better go for now. Will post pictures later.

i am not

2009?

It's crazy to think that it's already 2009! Hope everyone's had a Happy New Year so far.

This post will not be long...just wanted to say that I'm still alive and that life has been much better in the last several weeks. I'll post Christmas pictures and stuff later...hopefully it won't be too long. Until then...

KJo