I've Been Wrong...

So I had this thought sitting in Church yesterday listening to Pastor preach about the pursuit of happiness...I have been so incredibly wrong. My thoughts, my motivations, my actions...I've been wrong. The cognitive therapist in me wants to dig into that (and trust me I have) simply to unpack those core beliefs and dysfunctional thought processes that have led to this epiphany. And then...to discuss how this impacts my present thoughts, actions, and feelings. It's like a domino effect.

I was walking on Saturday evening listening to a podcast of Mosaic in LA. Erwin was speaking on the beatitudes, particularly the one where Jesus says that the pure in heart will see God. To be honest, right now I don't remember a lot of what he said, which is unusual because Erwin's messages tend to sink in and I process them for days. I do remember one line from the talk though. "Jesus doesn't want to make you better; He wants to make you different." And then yesterday in Church it hit me while Pastor Dave was preaching on how we pursue happiness when really we need to pursue God, who will create in us so much more than happiness. I've been wrong. They are right. Jesus wants to make me different. He wants to create something in me that doesn't just make me better or happy but produces something that will actually last. Yet at the same time, He's not about the business of making me miserable or trying to keep me that way.

Since my last post, the hurricane that's been my life hasn't weakened. In fact, if anything the winds near the eye wall are so much stronger. Last week was insane...even more so than normal. I've got kids MELTING DOWN on an hourly basis. I've got parents who are mad that their kids aren't making progress. I don't blame them. They just want a normal, healthy kid. I can't fix everything that wrong; in fact, I CAN'T FIX ANYTHING. Yet in all of this, there's peace. It doesn't make sense. Even when I wanted to call my boss and quit, I didn't want to call my boss and quit- which really doesn't make sense. I am different for having this experience... not just better and certainly not happy. I'm different. I see the world through different eyes. Maybe that's been the point. It's hard. And I'm okay. There's only ONE who could make that happen. There is Peace...when you're in the I AM.

i am not