I'm going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I had this great idea. I was going to change the world. I thought that maybe I'd be a doctor. I knew that I wasn't going to be a lawyer (my dad had that one covered). There were days when I considered being a writer. When I started college, I even considered going into accounting (I have no idea why I ever thought that was a good idea). Oh...and there was that stint where I wanted to be an athletic trainer. Some days I still kick myself for not following through with that dream. I still love everything about sports (even if I'm not athletically inclined). I nearly declared Christian Education as a major, but my Psych 101 prof was pretty dynamic and compelling and I fell in love with psychology. I decided to major in Psychology, knowing that I would need a Masters degree to do anything with it. That's when I decided to change the world as a counselor.
Oh...what was I thinking?!?!?
I remember praying constantly during my sophomore and junior years when I was making that decision. I felt God so near at times, and every step seemed to be confirmed by and overwhelming sense of peace and by the affirmation from those who knew me best and prayed for me the most. I was at peace with counseling. So...my senior year I applied for grad school and never had a doubt that that was what I was supposed to do and it's what I did.
My major professor told me that I could pretty easily get into a doctoral program out of college if I wanted. I was terrified of that thought. Now I wonder. I look back and am amazed at how incredibly naive and scared I was. I made safe decisions. I'm pretty sure I would have done okay as a doctoral student. I did just fine as a masters student. I'm glad I didn't go there though. I probably would have done okay, but I would have been destroyed. I know that now. As it was, I was still destroyed. I just took a different path getting there.
I spent nearly three years working as a therapist at a Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I loved those kids...as messed up as they were. It was a dark time. I worked too much with little support. I lived on adrenaline and cortisol...oh and caffeine. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders always. I felt the darkness around me like a blanket. At times it was suffocating. And I got to know God in a way that I probably never would have otherwise. He truly is the LIGHT in the darkness. I know where my help comes from. I couldn't have survived without Him and the people He sent to me.
Despite all of that...the many, many ways that He took care of me, I was on the brink of complete burnout. So...in July, He reached out His hand and scooped me up out of the pit of despair that I was sinking into. I don't really advocate for praying that you'll loose your job, but I cannot tell you the relief that I have felt and the many ways that God blessed me despite the loss of my job. It sucks really. It's a huge blow to the ego to get laid off. I miss those kids. I miss a lot of the people I worked with.
In the last several months I've been able to do so many things that I never had time for before. I've been able to get back to a regular exercise routine. It's been wonderful. Wherever I land, that will be one of my top priorities. Daily exercise. I need to run/walk/life weights. I've also had opportunities to volunteer with my church and another amazing program called Girls on the Run. I can't say enough good things about GOTR. God definitely used that program, the people I worked with, and the girls to bring healing to me. I can't wait for the next season to begin and hope beyond hope that I'll be able to coach again (pending my next job).
I've also been able to really reconnect with my KC family. I get to hang out with Sammy and Duncan nearly every morning. I get to see Sid and Abbie on a regular basis and have been able to go to KU games with Sid's parents. That family has blessed me beyond belief. I am SO thankful for them and how they've adopted me into their family.
God has also given me an opportunity that I dreamed but never really imagined growing up. The chance to write and influence girls through imagination and up close, personal encounters with Jesus. My good friend Kelly and I are writing a curriculum for a Bible Study and outreach event for young girls. It's called Party Like a Princess. I'm half-way finished with the Bible study and I'm amazed at what God is teaching ME- things He's been trying to speak into my heart for a long time, but I guess I was too busy to really hear His whispers. I hope these girls really hear these truths. In the coming days and weeks, I'll post more about those lessons. In March, I head to Ohio to the Party. I'm so excited about it.
In the meantime, I look for jobs and pray that the Lord will be my courage and help me to not allow fear of the hard stuff to keep me from His blessings, not only for me but for other people. He's a good God. I'm walking on with faith. It's been a wild ride, but there is Joy in the Lord. Always...
i am not
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